Fingers crossed

This time around, every single time my phone rings I almost hold my breath if its a doctors office. Today I had a voicemail saying the testing we had done last week was all good and there were no signs of down syndrome and baby was perfectly healthy. As I listened to the voicemail in my car I felt myself tearing up. I felt the same feeling of relief when I got a similar phone call when I was pregnant with Harper. Then I realized today I should have an 9 month old, she would be 9 months old today. Then I thought back on the past 9 months, all of the tears, fights, sadness, laughter and helplessness we felt. Its so fucking hard to navigate a new pregnancy after losing my daughter so far along. Everyone keeps assuring me that they are going to keep a close eye on us and I’ll be induced early and everything will be fine. Yet inside I just keep screaming why the fuck didn’t that happen last time?! Why the fuck wasn’t my daughters cord more closely monitored. Its just so infuriating because at the end of the day there is no one I can blame. There is still no explanation as to why it happened. All we are told is it was a freak thing.  And I think theres a part of me that keeps going over every part of my pregnancy, and I feel a sense of guilt like why didn’t I feel something was off… why didn’t I notice. But then my Mom Kindly reminds me that I can’t blame myself, Harper wasn’t meant for this world, and one way or another that was how it was meant to be, and at least she went peacefully and god forbid we didn’t bring her home and something happen like SIDS at home.  How is that for trying to find a “Oh well at least that didn’t happen” situation when it comes to the death of my daughter. I honestly never thought at 30 years old I would have already gone through this. I think I had always imagined myself having two kids at 30 and planning for a third in the future. Instead I’m 30, I’ve filled out a death certificate for my daughter and picked up her ashes, how fucked is that. I mean genuinely a fucking nightmare, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I am beyond excited for this new baby, Im just terrified and trying not to compare every little detail of this pregnancy to my last. I just want a healthy, living baby and I find myself praying to something, who knows what or what kind of god, but something that this baby is okay. Who knows maybe all of my religious friends are right and Harper is going to be an guardian angel big sister for this baby.

The strangest thing that I’ve been trying to figure out is how to answer questions. When people see I am visibly pregnant they ask if it’s my first, then when I respond no they ask how old my other children are… and part of me wants to just say its my first to avoid awkward questions, but then again I don’t want to deny Harper… So whats an appropriate way to answer? I’ve replied with yeah I had a daughter and she was stillborn and then I get those sad eyes and the person is shocked and doesn’t know what to say at this point.. they just try and get away.  This would be another great time for this non existent handbook for bereaved parents… whats an appropriate response ?



It’s heartbreaking losing a child at any stage, and I’ve come to look at my loss in a different way. If I can do my little part to raise some kind of awareness and get people to actually talk about it then maybe I can feel like my Daughters life wasn’t a complete loss, that maybe this could offer some slight comfort to someone out there going through a similar loss.

When we face the facts miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant deaths are fucking sad. They are tragic losses and no one really talks about them. Its taboo, there is a stigma attached and so many women hide their losses, so many women feel a sense of shame. When I first had my Daughter I had a few people reach out to me, telling me of their losses and offering me words of comfort. It was shocking because I had known these people either as a friend of a friend or an actual friend and I had never heard they had a miscarriage, or a stillborn child. But they saw my loss, and felt the strength to share their experience and share that there could be light at the end of this tunnel.

There is absolutely, without a doubt no right or wrong way to handle the loss of a child at any stage. So just to set the stage for this blog and whats to come, I will swear, I will use foul language, and I might honestly offend some people. But this is my experience, this is my life, she was my Daughter and this is how I’ve survived so far. When I lost my Daughter I searched endlessly for answers, for guidance, for blogs, for any sort of information or guidance on how the hell do I survive this. And what did I find? A whole lot of dead end answers, I found a lot of religious suggestions, group meeting suggestions and none of that seemed to offer any peace to me. I was literally sitting in my bathroom sobbing, on my phone looking for some kind of answer and the closest I could find were message boards of women that had experienced similar losses, but I couldn’t find anything like mine.

I recently went to see a grief and loss counselor for the first time last week, and she suggested anti depressants, and journaling. I picked the journaling, but as I thought about this I kept feeling the urge to want to help people, I kept feeling the sadness for other Mothers going through this loss and knowing there frankly isn’t shit out there. During my first few months my Best Friend sent me a link to a blog for an amazing lady named Kate, she lives in Ireland and she had gone through a similar loss earlier this year, 2017. She was inspiring, I commented on her blog and emailed her a bit back and forth. She was grieving and going through a similar hell, and I think we could relate to one another because we were both going through a loss, but it felt a little less alone. When you lose a baby its incredibly heartbreaking, and even though I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by family, and have amazing friends during this loss I felt completely and utterly alone. I couldn’t relate to anyone, I felt myself angry when I would see others crying, although I knew they were sad for the loss and for us, I just felt angry. Its okay if you’re experiencing a loss and you are angry, this is something I didn’t let myself believe at first. This is something I couldn’t really find online. The first time I got back on social media after our loss I think I hid every person that popped up with a picture of their baby. Which turned out to be a lot of people. I just couldn’t see it or handle it. I was still just angry, which was okay. I felt so guilty for being so angry but I felt like I had been fucking robbed.

Theres a sound that up until May I had only heard twice in my life, I would describe it as a loud sigh, almost a wailing sound. Its the total release and sound of just absolute defeat and heartache. The first time I heard this sound was after my Grandmother passed away, I heard my Mother crying in the other room and I heard her cry and just let out a sigh. The second time in my life I heard this sound was after my Best Friends Fathers funeral,  her Mother was inconsolable and crying and she let out a similar sigh. The third time I heard this sound was May 17th of this year, When I delivered my stillborn Daughter. Its a sound like your body has just given up, like every breath is out and you are just struggling to breathe through it. Through the absolute and total shock and loss. Growing up I felt like I had experienced loss, and heartache. Nothing, and I absolutely mean NOTHING in my life had prepared me for the loss of my Daughter. From the moment I saw the extra line appear on that pregnancy test I loved my baby. Scared to absolute death of the future I knew one thing, I was going to be a Mom and I was going to do my absolute best at it.

May came so quickly and my Dr told me at anytime the baby could come, she was a healthy weight and size. The previous month I had thought I was going into labor but it was just back spasms so we had prepared our plan. We had the car seat ready, the hospital bag packed with her first outfits, blankets and the baby book for her footprints.  We were ready. Her nursery was completely perfect and set up, crib made, clothes washed and hung up and organized, an entire drawer of bows and headbands I was ready for my baby, my Harper Grace.



It’s still rough.

I am loving being a Mother. I have never felt more natural at something in my entire life, watching my Son grow and all of the little changes he goes through daily are the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced. There certainly are days where he is a terror and nothing seems to make him happy and he seems to just yell at me and refuse to sleep. I would be a liar if I said that being a new mom was a cakewalk, maybe if you had a night nurse and a nanny and you were one of those lucky women that didn’t get a single stretch mark and your body bounced right back. Well mine didn’t, and we are living in a town where we literally know two people and have no family around and Brian works 7 days a week so it’s all me. I love it. I really absolutely do but some days can be pretty rough. Especially when I’m rocking him to sleep and I think to myself I would have a one year old running around the house, I wonder if had Harper lived if I would be a little less stressed, a little less worried and terrified. Granted I would have still had the first time Mom jitters, but would I have checked on her as often as I check on Lucas, would I have freaked out over dumb things? Or is this all because of Harper and that loss that I’m too terrified to leave him to Cry it out or leave him to sleep with blankets… Some days I just don’t know.

Simple stuff like moving and having to figure out what to do with the 4 giant tubs of Baby Girl clothes is like a knife to the chest.. I mean we obviously are keeping them, we aren’t done having kids just taking a year break until we try again, but then the thought crosses my mind, Brian says he only wants one more kid, I want two more but what if we end up having all boys… which as long as I have healthy babies from here on out I’ll be happy, but at what point do we donate or get rid of all of that stuff. I mean none of it was ever worn by Harper, it was all washed and ready and went from the closet directly into the tubs. But I feel like its stuff I’m still so attached to. The stuff that actually touched Harper, and is sentimental like the plaster molds of her Hand and Foot are in our fireproof safe so I can rest assure thats safe but this other stuff I wonder when I’ll loose my attachment to it.

2 Months old

The rainbow after the storm

Well he’s here and he’s perfect. Our beautiful Rainbow baby arrived on July 18th, 2018. My birth plan did not go as planned, he was delivered via C-Section and he was absolutely perfect from the first moment I saw him. I cried from the moment I told my Dr to go ahead and do the C-Section, I felt like my body was betraying me and I wasn’t dilating enough after 14 hours of pitocin. I held my breath until I heard his little scream, it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard in my entire life. He was here, our little Rainbow baby Lucas. Obviously time has passed since his birth, life has been insane since his arrival, I had an infection which made my recovery time even longer, and we’ve decided to move even closer to Brian’s new job in a new town. Why on earth did I think it was a good idea to move while I’m taking care of a newborn?! He is quite the handful but I am loving every minute of it.  He has been perfectly healthy and I’ve been over the moon about being a mom, I will say it has been hard at times because I do see a lot of Harper in him, especially when he sleeps. We had his month old pictures taken and some looked identical to Harper, which is hard for me. But then I’m reminded they would be siblings so obviously they are going to look similar. I feel like a huge part of my heart has healed but I am still saddened by the fact that I should have a one year old running around right now.

He’s one Month IMG_3235

22 days

22 Days until we meet our little baby boy. And I am absolutely terrified. Returning to the same Hospital, hoping for a different result, the last time I was there, I left empty handed and broken hearted. I genuinely don’t know if I would survive that again and the thought terrifies me. I’m nervous about every aspect of the hospital, and its not that I am even afraid of the pain because I’ve already been through hell, the epidural sucks, labor sucks, the weeks after suck, but I dealt with all of that while grieving and dealing with postpartum depression. I can handle all of that, been there done that, I am just genuinely afraid of honestly the first hour being in the hospital. That first hour when they hook you up to machines and they look for the baby’s heartbeat. I’m just holding my breath until I hear them say “There he is”.

Luckily my Mom is able to come out with us for this birth, she was there holding my other hand the last time, and I don’t know if I could really go through this all again without her here for Brian and I.  It’s really strange I feel like I’m hoping for the obvious dream outcome for all of us, for our families and its odd because I feel like it’s all on my shoulders. I am by the book with this pregnancy and I know it wasn’t my fault by any means last time, it’s just a really odd feeling when you feel like you let everyone down around you, and obviously no one made me feel like that but its still a shitty feeling when there is so much pressure on me.

We’ve prepared the nursery, set up the diaper cart downstairs, put up the pack n play in our room and gotten the car seat and stroller ready, hospital bag packed and I am absolutely terrified. It was exciting putting it all up and together, but it was all so sad too, because we have already done this before, we already had everything packed and ready, we had the pink sheets out and clothes ready. And instead of having our baby girl, Brian had to put it all out of eyesight and his instinct was to protect me. I don’t even think bittersweet is an appropriate term, its just fucking sad. Upon opening up the car seat, pack n play and things for the baby I noticed white smudges across corners, and it made me cry realizing it was from Brian packing everything up and tossing it all in the nursery and closing the door. He apologized for the marks, but they came off, I just wish how heartbroken we were could heal or come clean as easily.

I actually asked my Doctor at my last appointment if we should bring the car seat to the hospital again. She looked at me shocked and said yes. Its one of those things I’m scared of, having to deal with it all again. There is zero indication that anything like that should happen again, but we thought everything was perfect last time too. Its just one of those things that will forever scare the hell out of me every time I am pregnant. At this point I am on two doctors appointments a week until I deliver, every Tuesday I see the Perinatal Specialist where they do an Ultrasound and check on blood flow to the cord, babys brain and check his growth and heart rate, at this point everything has been perfect. Then Thursdays I see my regular OB for follow up and check up. I should note that I do stress tests at both appointments and everything up to this point has been good. We just have to get through the next 22 days, then I’ll be induced and I’ll deliver a healthy, living baby boy. All I want to hear is him come out crying.

It’s been a while..

I think I’ve been avoiding this, actually writing how the hell I am feeling during my second pregnancy and really embracing it all. I think mostly I’ve been almost “Holding my breath” until this baby arrives. We found out it’s a boy, and we’ve decided on Lucas as a name and I couldn’t be more excited. At first obviously when I found out I cried, I was in such shock and then the whole- We have an entire Pink nursery and girl clothes situation set in and freaked me out. But Unlucky for them- Lucky for us Babies R Us / Toys R Us is going out of business so we’ve stocked up and we’ve had a few family and friends send us thoughtful things for baby Lucas. We decided this time around against the persuasion of Family & Friends that we didn’t want to have a baby shower. We decided to have a registry, but a baby shower would be too much, plus I don’t have the medical clearance to travel and the amount of people we know in Texas is so slim compared to if we had gone home to Phoenix, so we skipped it for the emotional and medical reasons.

This time around, since losing Harper, we weren’t really given any explanation, so I am seeing my regular OBGYN from last time and I am also seeing a Perinatal Specialist. In the beginning it was monthly for both, now I am on alternating weekly visits between the two, and on weekly stress tests. All they’ve really done is instructed me to take a baby aspirin a day to help with any blood clotting issues- and we’ve scheduled the induction date two weeks early so July 13th I’ll meet this little man.

Even writing that sentence I am hopeful, I am terrified and just hoping for the best. We will have to deliver at the same hospital, and my Mom is flying out for the birth again but I am just hoping everything goes smoothly and we have a happy outcome. I need a happy outcome in my life, in all of our lives. Theres a total sense of Deja Vu with all of this baby prep thats been happening over the months, and I catch both Brian and myself comparing this pregnancy to the last. This time around I’ve been lucky enough to not really have any major symptoms, and for the first 5 months I felt normal just like I was getting chubby. I had a patch of back pain here and there but thats gone, and now its just been Acid Reflux and heartburn but if thats all I have to endure I will consider myself lucky and thank god or whatever. Last time I had morning sickness at 7 pm almost nightly through most of my pregnancy, I had zero energy and I felt disgusting and had the weirdest cravings like tacos and milk 24/7. Now it’s strange things like California rolls, or Carrots. Lets just hope it all works out for the best. I’ll try and update a bit more, and as we get closer to July 13th.

It’s a BOY

I am completely overwhelmed. We found out about two weeks ago its a BOY! Our new bundle is a bouncing baby boy! But with all good news for us, comes some bad. I mean really it’s near impossible for us to be optimistic lately. But our second round of genetic blood tests at the Perinatal Specialists office came back flagged. I received a phone call from a Nurse on Tuesday with some alarming statistics and numbers. She had the bedside manner of Nurse Ratchet. Just telling me the worst possible scenarios, and statistics. Really something sweet to tell a pregnant lady at 5 pm.  Anyways, I proceeded to cry my eyes out, and wonder if I am even meant to be a Mom at this point.  Next day, I went to the Dr for another blood draw, and a more invasive test, it’s comparable to the Harmony test, but its the Paterna. So now we have to wait an entire week. I just hope I can function this next week without having 5 more meltdowns. I see my regular OB Tuesday so I can pick her brain about it, and we can come up with a plan.

At this point we have only told our Parents, and I’ve told a few friends, they’ve been so supportive and one of my friends actually went through a similar scare and the tests were wrong, so heres hoping! Its just all nuts to me. I said to Brian this morning, I feel like a bad person, or a bad friend because while we are waiting to get the results back to this potentially life changing blood test, I frankly don’t give a flying fuck about whatever bullshit they call me to complain about. When they call me to whine about their friends being annoying, or their boyfriend not listening I literally want to yell at them who fucking cares?! Honestly. Life is too short, and there is too much other bad shit going on in the world. I think after Harper, I stopped giving a shit. I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of me honestly, I put myself together for the most part when I leave the house or have a Dr appointment or something going on, but then there are days where I put on sweats and throw my hair up on top of my head, pop a little concealer on my under eye bags and red spots and go. I can’t even remember the last time I wore high heels, or a regular bra with underwire and hooks in the back.

UPDATE: The test results came back with better numbers and they weren’t panicked, they’ve kept an eye out on everything and there is no other reason for concern. Let’s just hope this is all the case when the Delivery day comes.


Sickness and Health

Currently I have closed myself into my bathroom with a humidifier and the shower running trying to steam out this cold. I swear the other 5 months last year that I wasn’t pregnant I was feeling fine, no sickness in sight. But as soon as January hits and the pregnancy really starts to hit me, BOOM. Have a cold, fever, stuffed nose and on top of it, you can barely take anything to feel any better because of the growing babe. I’m at that really fun stage of a cold where I have a red mustache from blowing my nose a million times, I can’t taste anything or really breathe at this point and I’m probably keeping my poor Husband awake at night with my snoring and nose blowing. But on the plus side! As of now, week 13, I’ve had very minimal AM/PM sickness with this baby, and I honestly don’t feel pregnant at this point, I just feel tired, fat and hungry. So I’ll take it. Last time I had killer migraines, nausea, some of my favorite foods made me vomit and I was extremely fatigued. So fingers crossed the rest of this pregnancy sail by smoothly.

One thing I’ve been trying to figure out is what to do with all of the H decor we had for Harper’s nursery, Brian refuses to really talk about it and just got pissed when I mentioned getting rid of it, so I haven’t brought it back up. But I know when the time comes down the road, and we either have to pack and move, or unpack that closet to set up a new nursery, I’ll be the one that has to do it and frankly I’d like to hide/ handle that stuff while I’m mentally prepared for it. As I mentioned before the stuffed Lamb with a recording of Harpers heartbeat is floating around somewhere in that closet, as are a few personalized items I would like to avoid. I think I’ll just have to end up packing them all into a box, and like my mom suggested either find a spot in another bedroom closet for the box, or put it in the garage. But she understood. I mean even if it’s another girl this time around we’re set as far as things for the baby, but I still wouldn’t use the personalized blanket I had made for her, or some of the H things obviously. It’s just such a hard road to travel honestly, because there really is no roadmap on how to handle such things like decorating a new nursery and how to not do the same exact things as last time and have those memories smack you in the face.  I’m already dreading the fact that with this baby I’ll have to deliver at the same hospital as last time, yeah its a good, clean hospital but still. The last time we were there on the labor and delivery floor we left empty handed and broken hearted.  I obviously think some days are easier than others, and I absolutely think some days I honestly block out what happened to me, obviously not the fact that I was pregnant and I had a daughter, but I think I just mentally block out the sadness.

But then again other days, I kick myself for not holding her, not memorizing every little detail about her and her tiny hands and feet. It’s been bothering me more and more lately that I never held her and I have no idea what her hands or feet really looked like, or if her ears were attached! Thats what has been driving me insane! My ears are not attached to my neck- the lobes lol and Brians are. So it was driving me crazy the other night so I looked at all of the pictures of Harper and none of them showed them! I think one of these days I’ll have to brave looking at that flash drive with the unedited pictures of her, and maybe on there I’ll be able to see her ears.  Crazy I know but its that maternal guilt. I still stand by my decision though, at the end of the day I delivered and even now I know not seeing her or holding her was the best decision I could have made for myself and my mental state. I honestly don’t think I would be where I am at now had I held her and then had to hand her back to someone never to hold her or see her again.


The holidays have come and gone, and I’ve avoided writing on here. I needed to come to terms and really grasp it all, and I think it’s finally sinking in. I’m pregnant. Those two words are the most terrifying and exciting words I think anyone in my position could say. I think when I first found out I was in total and utter disbelief, I even had my mother in law look at the pregnancy test because I couldn’t read the words. Even after she hugged me and congratulated me and told me it was positive it said Pregnant, I left and drove right to the drug store and bought 3 more boxes. There was no way. Although we hadn’t used any kind of protection really since May, we both were just going to not stress on trying again and just wait and see what happens. This still came as a total shock. I had just taken a test three days before, and I wasn’t even late on my monthly.  But that morning I woke up feeling a bit off. All I could think of at 7 am was a guacamole bacon cheeseburger. Blech. But at 7 am? So I didn’t even think about it when I took my morning pee onto a pregnancy stick and put it on the counter while I brushed my teeth. Those buggers can take a while, and I didn’t even expect anything honestly. Then BOOM. PREGNANT. No fucking way. 8 Tests later. Yep. I looked on my period tracker on my phone, and it kept saying period in 3 days. How the hell.  Mind you this was all the day before Thanksgiving, my In laws were in town and staying with us, and I for the life of me couldn’t process this. I felt such an overwhelming feeling of guilt for being excited.

I am absolutely terrified. I had my first Dr’s appointment, she was thrilled I was just full of questions. As of my last appointment she wasn’t sure how far along I was…. and at that point all she had done was confirm the pregnancy by doing a sonogram and seeing a sac… ok. Not exactly the answers I was wanting. So she sent me off for two blood draws to measure my HCG, and another ultrasound somewhere else because naturally her machine was down.  So this little bean is growing and the Ultrasound tech was able to show me the one thing I had been terrified of seeing. That little flickering heartbeat. The last time I really looked at an Ultrasound machine it was seeing the silhouette of Harper and no heartbeat, so it definitely took me a minute to process it. I’ve already cried a fair share, and I’ve questioned how I am supposed to think positive and be excited, when deep down all I want is a living baby and I am absolutely, completely terrified. I think we are both waiting on being excited until we see the Perinatal specialist and hear from all of the Doctors that everything looks good and this baby is healthy. We’ve told immediate family and closest friends, but I don’t think this time around we are going to do a birth announcement or have a baby shower. It’s just hard to have fun doing those things, when the last time we did them it was for Harper and look how that turned out.

I’m hoping this pregnancy I can stay optimistic, and not compare everything to last time, but I absolutely am going to be considered high risk this time, so I already know with every pain, or abnormal feeling we will be at the ER to have this baby checked out. I told Brian I feel like I should be excited and planning things, but I’m too scared. Realistically we are completely set if we are blessed with another Daughter, and if we have a Son this time around we can prepare for him with clothes and bedding. I’m so glad I got unisex big items like a crib and stroller, I would be kicking myself in the ass if we have a Son and I had all pink items.

This all over the place back and forth between happiness and feeling like I should be planning, and feeling sad is a perfect example of how all over the place I am lately. I feel such a sense of guilt, and worry that maybe I won’t bond with this baby and I’m afraid to sing to my belly, and read to my belly this time around like I did last time. I’m afraid to let myself be excited again because I’ve already had my heart ripped out. But everyone keeps assuring me that we’ve already gone through hell it won’t happen again, there is medically no reason why it would, and they keep assuring me that Harper is a guardian angel for her brother or sister and that everything is going to work out how God wants it to. I am trying so incredibly hard to not be skeptical and negative when it comes to religion and stay positive, but realistically it hasn’t even been a fucking year since we lost Harper so I’m going to just go with the flow. I’ll know more on the 19th as far as how big this baby is, expected delivery date because I’ll be induced early and our plan for this pregnancy. In the meantime I’ll just keep obsessing over my Husband, and indulging in these weird cravings for cheeseburger, or key lime pie.

It’s been a week.

It’s been a week since my last post, and it has been full of a lot of ups and downs. Recently a new baby arrived to my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and I couldn’t be happier for them. I am so excited to have a niece and new little nephew, I find myself so grateful for how my In Laws have handled all of this and how careful they have been with both my Husband and I when it came to how hard this might have been. But the truth of the matter is, aside from our loss, we are so extremely happy for them, they truly are amazing parents and they have the picture perfect little family and they couldn’t be more deserving of it. Ever since I met my Husband not only did I fall in love with him, but I was so thankful and felt so blessed to gain such an incredible extended family. When we lost our Daughter his brother didn’t hesitate to hop on a plane and come here to be here for us, my sister-in-law has been in contact with me and completely showed me such compassion and love I couldn’t feel more blessed.

Obviously it was hard for Brian and I. It would be weird if it wasn’t, but as envious as I might have felt seeing pictures of my new nephew I was still so happy for them. I’ve read a lot about people who go through the loss of their child either by miscarriage or even stillbirth, are so jealous and bitter when a family member or friend welcomes a new baby and often times I’m honestly appalled by how bitter they are, granted I am not a therapist or an expert on this by any means, but throughout this loss I’ve tried so hard not to be bitter or jealous towards anyone, and I’ve tried so hard not to be ugly towards anyone and take out my grief on people but some days its hard. My poor husband can attest to the fact I can be a raging bitch some days, but somehow this miracle man loves me. But through all of this loss and the mixed emotions I never felt bitter about my family expecting, I was happy for them, I think it honestly helped with healing when it came to certain things, I used to mentally prepare to go grocery shopping or when I went to Target I thought ahead of which ways I would go through the store as to avoid the baby section, I dreaded it and would walk the complete opposite direction through random sections of the store to avoid those cribs and bibs, but when we found out we were going to have a new nephew I hit those sections head on. Obviously the first time was hard, and maybe it was a little easier because I was shopping for a boy instead of a girl this time, but I still saw everything and I took it in, and of course the first time I had an anxiety attack, but I got through it. I focused on the love my Husband and I had for our family and for our new little nephew we haven’t even met and I picked out every item, every onesie meticulously with thought and care. I think it was an obstacle I had set for myself and honestly dreaded, but I wanted to get those little things because it wasn’t about us, it wasn’t about our loss it was about showing our love to our family and showing that we’re ok.

Naturally last week was hard, packing up the nursery sucked, but I got it done. Obviously seeing baby pictures was hard at first, but we got them, he’s perfect and we couldn’t be happier. So with all that said and done I needed some fun, luckily for me one of my very best friends had already planned a visit to see us here in San Antonio a month ago. So Friday couldn’t come soon enough! I was overjoyed to pick him up at the airport. So we had an incredible weekend, my husband prepared a feast and we went to a Wildlife park Sunday which was incredible and then my friend and I went out for a night on the town to explore the Gay community of San Antonio. It was exactly what I needed and I couldn’t have asked for a better time.

Slowly but surely I am starting to feel more and more like myself again, obviously its hard, especially when I’m out and someone asks if I have kids, that’s been the most confusing question to answer so far. I mean obviously I carried my daughter full term, and for almost a year I planned and prepped and got everything ready to be a stay at home mom, but that didn’t happen. So do I say no I don’t have children? I’ve replied with this once, and I felt such an overwhelming sense of guilt that it made me sick. But then the alternate answer is yes I had a daughter and she passed away leads to them asking questions and why which leads to an incredibly sad short synopsis of what happened and then I become that poor girl and it brings the overall vibe down and people look at me with sad eyes. So here’s my dilemma and I’ve searched for suggestions and answers on how people respond or handle this and frankly there isn’t shit. By all means my daughter was my world and there isn’t a day that goes by I haven’t thought about her and what our life would be like with her here, but I don’t necessarily want to be that person that makes an entire conversation all about my daughter all the time. I don’t want to seem like a wet blanket in a conversation with strangers or new people. So how the hell do I answer this, because so far people look at me with shock in their eyes that I am functioning the way I am. And I deal with people not knowing what to say or not say, it’s just a sad awkward thing that I never imagined I would have to deal with. It’s very kind and nice when people tell me how Strong I am, but at the same time what do they expect? For me to be a babbling pile of mush and an unkept crying woman 24/7 ? By all means I have my off days, for fucking sure. I have my days where I can’t even grasp whats happened and it hits me like a ton of bricks, but where is the actual legit manual on how the hell I deal with this?  I guess it’s just one day at a time, and I’ll keep handling it the way I have so far, I really have no other option because I refuse to let this turn me into a bitter person, and someone who can’t find happiness or have happiness for others. I guess I just wish it was a little bit easier and I knew how to answer all of these dilemmas.

15 Minutes

Thats all it took me to pack up my Daughters nursery just now. 15 Minutes. To pack up the memories, the dreams, the headbands and shoes. Its all stuffed in 5 giant plastic tubs in the closet. The pack n’ play disassembled and wedged in, the bathtub on top next to my Boppy and pregnancy pillow. As I was shoving the first giant tub into the closet what did I see, that fucking lamb. The same lamb that I listened to my first trimester glowing with happiness, the same lamb that has a recording of my Daughters heartbeat. Yet again that lamb is hidden and shoved into the closet full of baby stuff. We are clearing the room because we have guests coming for Thanksgiving and I knew this needed to be done. I was ready for this to be done, but I didn’t think once it was done it would hit me like a ton of bricks. I told my Husband it needed to be done soon, and rather than wait I just did it.

I pushed the crib into the corner and covered it with a sheet, thats what you do with furniture you aren’t using right? If I knew how I’d take the damn thing apart and hide it. But I keep telling myself and crossing my fingers that soon enough we will need it again. Soon enough we will be expecting and figuring out if we will need boy things, or if the entire filled nursery of baby girl items will be put to use. I think about if we were to be blessed with another baby, a girl especially we would be set, everything down to the pacifiers. The only thing we would really need would be diapers because we donated our entire massive stash to the Hurricane Harvey diaper drive.  I keep hoping and praying that soon enough it’ll happen when it’s supposed to, I know Brian is terrified of the idea so I’m not rushing him or pushing it on him, I just want us to be parents, seeing Brian hold a friends kid kills me, this man, this wonderful man I married is supposed to be a father and god he’s going to be an incredible one.

For the record I’ve had a pretty stellar week as far as not having any major meltdowns, I’ve been pretty good for a while now, and then packing everything up, seeing that fucking lamb. It all hit me like a ton of bricks.