I think the true realization as to what happened really set in on my due date. May 22 would be the hardest day, I woke up feeling sick because it was the day I had counted down to, it was the day I had been dreaming of and looking forward to. But the minute I woke up I had to deal with the hard realization that I didn’t have a baby kicking inside of me anymore, I was completely empty. I couldn’t feel her move, or wiggle when she heard my husbands voice, I just felt empty.
At my baby shower we had little packets of wildflower seeds to give people as party favors. When I got home from the baby shower Brian had planted them into two pots and he watered them and babied them daily. Up until this point they looked like weeds and hadn’t bloomed. So May 22 rolled around and Brian, my Mom and I were sitting out on the back deck just all kind of crying about the day when we noticed our first bloom. On one of the plants there was a single purple flower. It was the most beautiful and delicate flower and it was the first bloom. Of course we all cried even harder and took pictures. The plants eventually had more blooms, but we cut that single flower and pressed it among the other baby keepsakes we had.
I think one of the hardest things I had to deal with was packing up the nursery. Every little perfect pink thing, every little outfit that had been washed and hung carefully in the closet. The nursery was overflowing with the pack n’ play, the stroller and every single baby item that had been around our house. Brian wanted to leave the nursery untouched and just keep the door closed. But I couldn’t stand it, it was torture to have this perfectly set up nursery and have it missing our baby girl. So I purchased 4 huge storage tubs and went in, closed the door and took a deep breath. I carefully folded all of the clothes, headbands, blankets and organized all of the little shoes I had picked out for her. It was absolute torture and I wept through it. I think the absolute worst was finding the little stuffed lamb. When I had the Ultrasound to determine her gender I had them record her heartbeat and put it inside the lamb. Not even realizing it I accidentally put something on top of the lamb and I heard it. Her precious little heartbeat, the same heartbeat I had prayed, begged and would have given anything to hear when I was in the hospital. At this point I was throwing everything around trying to find this fucking lamb. It was complete torture. Once I found it I buried it in one of the bins and to this day I haven’t seen it. I can’t. That’s still the one thing that I can’t get rid of, but I can’t even see it. Looking back I can take it as a sign, but it still kills me.