It’s become even harder to sleep soundly and without thinking about Harper. I think after we lost her I was afraid to sleep. I always pictured my perfect little baby, I always dreamt that everything was picture perfect, I had my amazing Husband and we had our perfect little baby girl in all of my dreams. I think I was just scared to sleep and see her and wake up and like a ton of bricks fell on my chest the moment I woke up and realized she was gone. This is still how I feel every morning. I wake up and for a quick minute I feel like everything is fine, then I look across the hall and I see the nursery packed into boxes, and I realize my hand is on my stomach every morning and I don’t feel her kicks. Its like a stab to my gut and it makes me feel sick for the first ten minutes I’m awake. This shouldn’t be my life, I shouldn’t be writing a blog about my loss, I should be changing and bathing and feeding my daughter. I should be experiencing milestones with her, watching her smiles and hearing her laugh. Instead I avoid my pregnant friends, I avoid newborn babies and I fear the future. Will we get another shot at being parents? Will I be able to become pregnant? Will I have a healthy, normal pregnancy again and deliver a live healthy baby? All I can do is hope, and try and remain positive. I think one of the hardest things is having people that have never experienced this kind of loss give me advice, or tell me stories about their cousins friends sister that lost her baby like I did and now she has three healthy kids. It’s a nice concept and maybe they think they are being kind and trying to uplift me? I’m happy for their cousins friends sisters aunt but I want my baby, I wanted to raise my daughter, my Harper Grace. I don’t think a lot of people realize that just because time has passed this gets any easier. I still have moments where something on TV or something on the radio will hit me like a ton of bricks.
Before all of this we lived a normal life, we prepared beyond belief and had everything set and ready to be parents, and we were fucking robbed of that. I had blood work done at a Prenatal specialists office after we lost Harper, they had her Autopsy results and we were given no real answers. I didn’t have any sort of blood clotting disorder, and nothing showed up in her autopsy to give any answers. She had a abnormally long umbilical cord and three blood clots in the cord. We got zero answers as to what could have caused this, as to why this happened in the end of my “picture perfect pregnancy”. The only answer or suggestion I received from the Dr’s was to take a baby aspirin a day in the future if I were to become pregnant again and that I would be considered High Risk so they would monitor my future pregnancies more carefully and frequently.
All I had ever wanted in life, was to be a Mom. When I was pregnant all I could dream of is what my daughter would look like, would she have a ton of hair like I did when I was born, would she have her fathers features? I used to talk to my parents about Harper and the future, she would have been their first Grandchild and all I could picture was seeing my parents playing with her, and celebrating holidays and birthdays with her. I feel so incredibly broken as the holidays are quickly approaching. Walking through Target last week, past the Halloween decor and costumes I glanced down an aisle and saw the Baby costumes and I felt like I was going to be sick. Thats all I dreamt of, having little outfits for holidays for her, taking her trick or treating, having her at my parents for her first Christmas. But instead my Husband and I are going to stay in Texas and avoid the holidays and our families. We just can’t do it. I can’t imagine being at my parents house in Arizona without our daughter there. My daughter should be here, I should be a stay at home Mom and should be celebrating and loving all of the milestones. Instead my daughters ashes are in our Safe and were dreading the holidays. Still I have to keep reminding myself to stay optimistic and positive towards the future, I have to try and not be nasty and spiteful or rude to anyone and I have to be happy for people.
Here’s to hoping.