One foot in front of the other

I think I have been trying to distract myself as much as possible lately, I haven’t really thought about the upcoming holidays too much but here they are. Halloween is the first one down and I didn’t think it would sting as much as it did, I think the hardest part was passing out candy to Trick-Or-Treaters last night and seeing all of the babies dressed up. This was one of the holidays I had really looked forward to celebrating with Harper, and I honestly had thought about it but hadn’t dwelled on it. Until looking on social media and seeing all of the pictures my friends were posting of their babies dressed up, it was just kind of a punch to the gut. I did have one friend reach out to me last night to see how I was doing with everything and that meant the world. But no one else thinks about these things I think. Everyone else has been able to move on, and still Brian and I get emotional and cry about it. I think it’s normal, but according to some people I need to move on and move forward. Until they have to make arrangements, and sign their Childs death certificate, and pick up a little box of ashes I frankly don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks about our grieving process.

Everyday is different, and as the Holidays are quickly approaching I’m dreading it this year. Especially Christmas, and when the time comes to put up our Christmas tree. I know deep in the box of carefully wrapped ornaments there is one that has Harpers ultrasound picture and I’m dreading finding it. I thought this year for Christmas we would be celebrating with Family and Friends, and taking Harper to sit on Santas lap and have cute little winter outfits picked out for her. Christmas was always my favorite holiday, and I’ve always tried to go over the top when it came to gift giving, tree decorating and baking treats for family and friends. This year, theres a part of me that wants to sleep through the entire thing. But I know it wouldn’t be healthy or conducive to moving forward. As much of a Scrooge my Husband can be during the Holidays I know he really loves it all.  So the plan I’m making for us, is to stay put in Texas this year, and start our own traditions while bringing in some of our past traditions. I’ll frantically finish all of my shopping and ship gifts off, I’ll still do my Christmas cards, they’ll just be the same simple ones from Target instead of the family picture ones I had dreamt of, and we will spend our Christmas pigging out, with a fire going and watch holiday movies and get drunk off of eggnog.  And through all of this I can still try and look forward to 2018 and what it might bring us, the potential of us moving to a different city, new jobs and who knows maybe we can start trying again for another baby.

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