It’s been a week since my last post, and it has been full of a lot of ups and downs. Recently a new baby arrived to my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and I couldn’t be happier for them. I am so excited to have a niece and new little nephew, I find myself so grateful for how my In Laws have handled all of this and how careful they have been with both my Husband and I when it came to how hard this might have been. But the truth of the matter is, aside from our loss, we are so extremely happy for them, they truly are amazing parents and they have the picture perfect little family and they couldn’t be more deserving of it. Ever since I met my Husband not only did I fall in love with him, but I was so thankful and felt so blessed to gain such an incredible extended family. When we lost our Daughter his brother didn’t hesitate to hop on a plane and come here to be here for us, my sister-in-law has been in contact with me and completely showed me such compassion and love I couldn’t feel more blessed.
Obviously it was hard for Brian and I. It would be weird if it wasn’t, but as envious as I might have felt seeing pictures of my new nephew I was still so happy for them. I’ve read a lot about people who go through the loss of their child either by miscarriage or even stillbirth, are so jealous and bitter when a family member or friend welcomes a new baby and often times I’m honestly appalled by how bitter they are, granted I am not a therapist or an expert on this by any means, but throughout this loss I’ve tried so hard not to be bitter or jealous towards anyone, and I’ve tried so hard not to be ugly towards anyone and take out my grief on people but some days its hard. My poor husband can attest to the fact I can be a raging bitch some days, but somehow this miracle man loves me. But through all of this loss and the mixed emotions I never felt bitter about my family expecting, I was happy for them, I think it honestly helped with healing when it came to certain things, I used to mentally prepare to go grocery shopping or when I went to Target I thought ahead of which ways I would go through the store as to avoid the baby section, I dreaded it and would walk the complete opposite direction through random sections of the store to avoid those cribs and bibs, but when we found out we were going to have a new nephew I hit those sections head on. Obviously the first time was hard, and maybe it was a little easier because I was shopping for a boy instead of a girl this time, but I still saw everything and I took it in, and of course the first time I had an anxiety attack, but I got through it. I focused on the love my Husband and I had for our family and for our new little nephew we haven’t even met and I picked out every item, every onesie meticulously with thought and care. I think it was an obstacle I had set for myself and honestly dreaded, but I wanted to get those little things because it wasn’t about us, it wasn’t about our loss it was about showing our love to our family and showing that we’re ok.
Naturally last week was hard, packing up the nursery sucked, but I got it done. Obviously seeing baby pictures was hard at first, but we got them, he’s perfect and we couldn’t be happier. So with all that said and done I needed some fun, luckily for me one of my very best friends had already planned a visit to see us here in San Antonio a month ago. So Friday couldn’t come soon enough! I was overjoyed to pick him up at the airport. So we had an incredible weekend, my husband prepared a feast and we went to a Wildlife park Sunday which was incredible and then my friend and I went out for a night on the town to explore the Gay community of San Antonio. It was exactly what I needed and I couldn’t have asked for a better time.
Slowly but surely I am starting to feel more and more like myself again, obviously its hard, especially when I’m out and someone asks if I have kids, that’s been the most confusing question to answer so far. I mean obviously I carried my daughter full term, and for almost a year I planned and prepped and got everything ready to be a stay at home mom, but that didn’t happen. So do I say no I don’t have children? I’ve replied with this once, and I felt such an overwhelming sense of guilt that it made me sick. But then the alternate answer is yes I had a daughter and she passed away leads to them asking questions and why which leads to an incredibly sad short synopsis of what happened and then I become that poor girl and it brings the overall vibe down and people look at me with sad eyes. So here’s my dilemma and I’ve searched for suggestions and answers on how people respond or handle this and frankly there isn’t shit. By all means my daughter was my world and there isn’t a day that goes by I haven’t thought about her and what our life would be like with her here, but I don’t necessarily want to be that person that makes an entire conversation all about my daughter all the time. I don’t want to seem like a wet blanket in a conversation with strangers or new people. So how the hell do I answer this, because so far people look at me with shock in their eyes that I am functioning the way I am. And I deal with people not knowing what to say or not say, it’s just a sad awkward thing that I never imagined I would have to deal with. It’s very kind and nice when people tell me how Strong I am, but at the same time what do they expect? For me to be a babbling pile of mush and an unkept crying woman 24/7 ? By all means I have my off days, for fucking sure. I have my days where I can’t even grasp whats happened and it hits me like a ton of bricks, but where is the actual legit manual on how the hell I deal with this? I guess it’s just one day at a time, and I’ll keep handling it the way I have so far, I really have no other option because I refuse to let this turn me into a bitter person, and someone who can’t find happiness or have happiness for others. I guess I just wish it was a little bit easier and I knew how to answer all of these dilemmas.