The holidays have come and gone, and I’ve avoided writing on here. I needed to come to terms and really grasp it all, and I think it’s finally sinking in. I’m pregnant. Those two words are the most terrifying and exciting words I think anyone in my position could say. I think when I first found out I was in total and utter disbelief, I even had my mother in law look at the pregnancy test because I couldn’t read the words. Even after she hugged me and congratulated me and told me it was positive it said Pregnant, I left and drove right to the drug store and bought 3 more boxes. There was no way. Although we hadn’t used any kind of protection really since May, we both were just going to not stress on trying again and just wait and see what happens. This still came as a total shock. I had just taken a test three days before, and I wasn’t even late on my monthly.  But that morning I woke up feeling a bit off. All I could think of at 7 am was a guacamole bacon cheeseburger. Blech. But at 7 am? So I didn’t even think about it when I took my morning pee onto a pregnancy stick and put it on the counter while I brushed my teeth. Those buggers can take a while, and I didn’t even expect anything honestly. Then BOOM. PREGNANT. No fucking way. 8 Tests later. Yep. I looked on my period tracker on my phone, and it kept saying period in 3 days. How the hell.  Mind you this was all the day before Thanksgiving, my In laws were in town and staying with us, and I for the life of me couldn’t process this. I felt such an overwhelming feeling of guilt for being excited.

I am absolutely terrified. I had my first Dr’s appointment, she was thrilled I was just full of questions. As of my last appointment she wasn’t sure how far along I was…. and at that point all she had done was confirm the pregnancy by doing a sonogram and seeing a sac… ok. Not exactly the answers I was wanting. So she sent me off for two blood draws to measure my HCG, and another ultrasound somewhere else because naturally her machine was down.  So this little bean is growing and the Ultrasound tech was able to show me the one thing I had been terrified of seeing. That little flickering heartbeat. The last time I really looked at an Ultrasound machine it was seeing the silhouette of Harper and no heartbeat, so it definitely took me a minute to process it. I’ve already cried a fair share, and I’ve questioned how I am supposed to think positive and be excited, when deep down all I want is a living baby and I am absolutely, completely terrified. I think we are both waiting on being excited until we see the Perinatal specialist and hear from all of the Doctors that everything looks good and this baby is healthy. We’ve told immediate family and closest friends, but I don’t think this time around we are going to do a birth announcement or have a baby shower. It’s just hard to have fun doing those things, when the last time we did them it was for Harper and look how that turned out.

I’m hoping this pregnancy I can stay optimistic, and not compare everything to last time, but I absolutely am going to be considered high risk this time, so I already know with every pain, or abnormal feeling we will be at the ER to have this baby checked out. I told Brian I feel like I should be excited and planning things, but I’m too scared. Realistically we are completely set if we are blessed with another Daughter, and if we have a Son this time around we can prepare for him with clothes and bedding. I’m so glad I got unisex big items like a crib and stroller, I would be kicking myself in the ass if we have a Son and I had all pink items.

This all over the place back and forth between happiness and feeling like I should be planning, and feeling sad is a perfect example of how all over the place I am lately. I feel such a sense of guilt, and worry that maybe I won’t bond with this baby and I’m afraid to sing to my belly, and read to my belly this time around like I did last time. I’m afraid to let myself be excited again because I’ve already had my heart ripped out. But everyone keeps assuring me that we’ve already gone through hell it won’t happen again, there is medically no reason why it would, and they keep assuring me that Harper is a guardian angel for her brother or sister and that everything is going to work out how God wants it to. I am trying so incredibly hard to not be skeptical and negative when it comes to religion and stay positive, but realistically it hasn’t even been a fucking year since we lost Harper so I’m going to just go with the flow. I’ll know more on the 19th as far as how big this baby is, expected delivery date because I’ll be induced early and our plan for this pregnancy. In the meantime I’ll just keep obsessing over my Husband, and indulging in these weird cravings for cheeseburger, or key lime pie.

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