22 Days until we meet our little baby boy. And I am absolutely terrified. Returning to the same Hospital, hoping for a different result, the last time I was there, I left empty handed and broken hearted. I genuinely don’t know if I would survive that again and the thought terrifies me. I’m nervous about every aspect of the hospital, and its not that I am even afraid of the pain because I’ve already been through hell, the epidural sucks, labor sucks, the weeks after suck, but I dealt with all of that while grieving and dealing with postpartum depression. I can handle all of that, been there done that, I am just genuinely afraid of honestly the first hour being in the hospital. That first hour when they hook you up to machines and they look for the baby’s heartbeat. I’m just holding my breath until I hear them say “There he is”.
Luckily my Mom is able to come out with us for this birth, she was there holding my other hand the last time, and I don’t know if I could really go through this all again without her here for Brian and I. It’s really strange I feel like I’m hoping for the obvious dream outcome for all of us, for our families and its odd because I feel like it’s all on my shoulders. I am by the book with this pregnancy and I know it wasn’t my fault by any means last time, it’s just a really odd feeling when you feel like you let everyone down around you, and obviously no one made me feel like that but its still a shitty feeling when there is so much pressure on me.
We’ve prepared the nursery, set up the diaper cart downstairs, put up the pack n play in our room and gotten the car seat and stroller ready, hospital bag packed and I am absolutely terrified. It was exciting putting it all up and together, but it was all so sad too, because we have already done this before, we already had everything packed and ready, we had the pink sheets out and clothes ready. And instead of having our baby girl, Brian had to put it all out of eyesight and his instinct was to protect me. I don’t even think bittersweet is an appropriate term, its just fucking sad. Upon opening up the car seat, pack n play and things for the baby I noticed white smudges across corners, and it made me cry realizing it was from Brian packing everything up and tossing it all in the nursery and closing the door. He apologized for the marks, but they came off, I just wish how heartbroken we were could heal or come clean as easily.
I actually asked my Doctor at my last appointment if we should bring the car seat to the hospital again. She looked at me shocked and said yes. Its one of those things I’m scared of, having to deal with it all again. There is zero indication that anything like that should happen again, but we thought everything was perfect last time too. Its just one of those things that will forever scare the hell out of me every time I am pregnant. At this point I am on two doctors appointments a week until I deliver, every Tuesday I see the Perinatal Specialist where they do an Ultrasound and check on blood flow to the cord, babys brain and check his growth and heart rate, at this point everything has been perfect. Then Thursdays I see my regular OB for follow up and check up. I should note that I do stress tests at both appointments and everything up to this point has been good. We just have to get through the next 22 days, then I’ll be induced and I’ll deliver a healthy, living baby boy. All I want to hear is him come out crying.