No one talks about it.

I need to vent for a moment

There are too many women going through loss, too many miscarriages, too many stillbirths, too many infant deaths. And the really troublesome part is no one fucking talks about it. When I lost my daughter I sat up in my bathroom and cried, I hid, I felt guilt, I was angry and I looked endlessly for answers. What did I find for support? Nada. The only blogs that showed up were from either 2013 or 2015 and were way outdated and never updated, now I am beyond happy they were able to move forward but not everyone handles loss the same. I had religion thrown at me, all of these suggestions given to me, all by people that had never experienced the kind of loss I was dealing with. My daughter was a full term baby, that up until I checked into the hospital in labor had been perfectly healthy. There was no real reason or cause for our loss, we weren’t given any real answers or explanation or a cause as to why we lost her and what could have caused it. And I’ve been searching for tips, or advice and frankly I’m not religious. I was raised with a small amount of faith, but that all left when I lost my daughter. Maybe someday I’ll get my faith back, but it’s incredibly hard to believe in a higher power or guardian angels when I prayed and begged to everything to hear my daughters heartbeat.  So I knew religion wasn’t going to be the road to recovery or peace for me. Group therapy was the other suggestion by the hospital and by my Dr, and once again big, fat nope. Not my idea of healing, I handled my daughters delivery a lot differently than is normally suggested and I opted to not hold her or see her, Yes this might seem cold or horrific to you, but I had a friend go through a similar loss and she held her early term baby and I feel like it really traumatized her, I saw her and her son and the hospital didn’t really give her a choice. So my Husband and my Mom had the option to see our daughter, but I couldn’t face it, call me weak or whatever, but I couldn’t have handled it if she had some sort of trauma or deformity or something wrong, the Doctors still didn’t know what caused my daughters death at this point so I was still in a complete and total state of shock. The last thing I wanted to do was sit around in a circle with a bunch of crying strangers, and listen to them cry about holding their dead babies or having their Childs ashes put into a teddy bear they carry around with them. Yes that’s a real thing, and if you’re reading this and thats worked for you, I’m so happy it offers you comfort and peace, but it wasn’t for me. It seemed a bit morbid for me and I think it would have traumatized me even further.

I mean lets be brutally honest for a quick second here, the fact of the matter is its sad, stillbirth, miscarriages, pregnancy loss of any kind, or child deaths are all sad. And what it really boils down to is its fucking sad, its tragic, its the worst loss imaginable. It really is  horrific and no one wants to talk about dead babies, and that’s what the real issue is. No one talks about it, women feel a sense of shame over the loss so they hide the loss. When in reality people need to face it, and we need to find some fucking cures. I don’t ever want anyone to feel the kind of loss that I felt but it happens to women too often, daily. And don’t quote me, but I’m sure hourly across the world. I’ve read things on different websites and message boards, women wondering how to handle their grief, how long is an appropriate time to wait before trying to conceive again, what kind of medications help, ways to memorialize their lost child. Whatever works for them, or you I couldn’t be happier for you that you’ve found something that works, and offers you comfort, but I’m not the same as everyone else, I can’t even fathom having a doll or a bear made to the same weight as my past child, or having my Childs ashes put inside a doll to sleep with or carry around with me. That to me is not healing, its morbid. To each their own, and if it helps you, I’m so happy for you. I think so far this whole blogging experience has been pretty therapeutic, I just want people to know they are not alone. There is no reason to be ashamed of your loss, I had people reach out to me and it offered me comfort knowing I wasn’t alone. Like I’ve previously mentioned, there is such a stigma attached to this kind of loss, and no one talks about it, the only people that mention it in my life anymore are my husband and our immediate family and a few close friends. But I felt myself angry towards everyone else for moving forward, I had the feeling like my world had stopped turning, why hadn’t anyone else felt this? It’s as if people just expected me to be over it by now. People tend to compartmentalize grief, they are comforting and so sad with you in the beginning stages, and its understandable, not everyone can wake up every morning and struggle to get out of bed. But I think it’s because our loss isn’t spoken about anymore, they were sad for us, but now they can wake up and move on. We don’t have that luxury. Every morning I wake up I have about a minute where I feel like it was all a nightmare, then I look across the hallway and I see everything in the nursery all boxed up. Instead I get to think about my daughter almost 24/7. When I walk into a room, I get to be “The girl whose baby died” and people scatter or get flustered when they try and talk to me, because no one knows what to say. And I don’t blame you, its uncomfortable, its sad but dont not acknowledge it. Yes I get you are being conscious not to upset me or make me sad, but guess what I am always sad. You don’t have to ask questions or be morbid about it, but simply asking how I’m doing is enough.

People don’t realize the triggers that can absolutely tear our worlds apart. When I first lost my daughter I tried to put on a brave face and carry on normal activitites like cooking and cleaning, this was within the first few hours I got home from the hospital and the weeks to follow. I think I was so numb to it all I wasn’t trying to face it, and I was honestly afraid that if I just sat upstairs in my bed all day and rested like the doctor suggested I would just cry and think about my daughter. Not only is it incredibly hard to try and not sob throuhout the day, but your body is a constant reminder of your loss and the trauma you just endured.  I’m gonna be slightly graphic here, but after childbirth you bleed. And boy do you bleed a LOT, for days, for weeks for an entire month. It is the most uncomfortable feeling and its a reminder of what happened. Not only do you get the bleeding, but my milk came in. That was absolute torture. I sobbed when this happened and had a total meltdown. Not only is it extremely painful, but its a harsh reminder from your body that you just had a baby, but you don’t have a baby to nurse. I tried EVERYTHING to get this to stop, I was completely and totally miserable. Having to go into the nursery that was full of everything ready for the baby, but had no baby and grab the pads to put into my bra to absorb the milk was probably one of the worst parts. I literally fell to the floor in there and sobbed. We tried binding my breasts with an ace bandage, my mom showed my husband how to wrap me carefully but tight enough, we googled old wives tales and my brother in law even went out and bought a head of cabbage for us to freeze the leaves and put on my chest with no relief, it just stunk. I tried the sudafed, nada. Finally I looked inside the box the hospital sent us home with, the box contained brochures, a stuffed animal and a USB drive with pictures of my daughter, but underneath it all I found two packets of tea. This tea saved my sanity. It was called No more milk tea by a company called Earth Mama Angel Baby. I drank this stuff three times a day for three days and my milk was finally gone! My doctor had no idea about this stuff so I brought her a box at my next visit to share with someone else going through a similar pain.  I think the worst part about it all mentally was having my milk come in and not having my daughter to nurse, it was a nasty reminder that I had gone home empty handed.  Another painful trigger for me was grocery shopping or going out in public in general. I was doing great walking through the grocery store with my mom until we were checking out and I glanced over and saw a newborn baby girl in a cart next to me. That fucking killed me. Or hearing a baby cry, that was the music to my ears I never got to hear when I delivered, so I definitley cried in my car in the parking lot to my mom about that one. Triggers come and they have thankfully started to subside, but don’t feel crazy, or ashamed about it. It’s natural and it will get better, take it from someone who had her groceries delievered for months to avoid this. Once I dealt with it and faced it, the effect had diminished. Yeah it still hurt, but I don’t leave my cart and go cry in my car anymore, I distract myself and walk away.  It gets easier, and theres no timeline on when I’ll be okay, my heart was broken and I hope eventually it’ll heal and I can feel like myself, but until then I’m just trying to be kind to myself.

In conclusion for this post, be kind to those around you that have gone through loss, dont dismiss what someone has gone through or not mention it. That sometimes can hurt the most. Now I’m not saying ask them everytime about their child specifically or ask them in depth questions about it, but just ask how they are with everything. Even hearing my daughters name for the first few months killed me, but now it’s getting easier. Sometimes just having someone to talk to and vent to can help and heal. I did have a child, I did prepare for almost a year to have the best job ever and I was robbed of that.

First comes love, then comes baby.. then Marriage.

Fortunately for us the Second Trimester seemed to come and go and really fly by. I can thank the holidays for this. We had our first Thanksgiving together and thankfully my morning sickness that hit at night had started to get a little easier. I made entirely way too much food for just the two of us, but fortunately for me my late night cravings were satisfied by the sheet pan of stuffing in the fridge. Aside from stuffing my face on Thanksgiving my body had definitely started to change, and the harsh reality of my clothes no longer fitting kicked in, I could still pull my leggings up, but jeans were out of the question. This was a reality I knew was coming but trying to get dressed and ready for the day was quickly becoming stressful. Fortunately Brian still assured me he found me beautiful and kept telling me not to worry, he even took me out for breakfast and surprised me with a little shopping trip to get some maternity jeans.

Now I should mention, when we found out we were expecting we had only been dating 6 months. Most people would freak, which we did but by this point we had already moved in together and exchanged the first awkward “I love you” and gotten into a routine. A big thing especially to my Father was us being unwed. And boy did we hear about it, every chance he got my Dad asked Brian and I about our plans. Now this wasn’t something that was completely out of left field, to be honest while we were visiting my family in Arizona, Brian had asked my Dad for his blessing. But he certainly wasn’t planning on proposing right away, he asked with the intention of proposing down the road. We live in Texas and don’t always see my family so he figured while he had the opportunity he would do it. Now to be honest marriage was something I had always dreamt of, I wanted to be a Wife and a Mother and suddenly I was facing both. We had talked and it was important for us to have the same Last names especially on our Daughters birth certificate. Both of our parents are still married, well over 30 years and we both had a respect for Marriage and what it stands for.

So Brian casually mentioned that he had an upcoming Friday off, why not just do it then. December 2nd. Which was coming up quick! So then the planning began, I was realistic and not expecting some grand wedding. I was 4 months pregnant at this point and definitely showing, I wanted to get married before I was massive and we didn’t have the time to plan something extravagant, not to mention I couldn’t justify spending a ton of money on a wedding when we were expecting a baby.  Our families couldn’t make it out in time, so we decided to keep it extremely small, we each invited one of our brothers to come out to Texas and be our witnesses. That was it. So instead of getting ready on my wedding day with my friends and my Mom like I had always pictured, I got ready solo in a house full of guys. It definitely wasn’t picture perfect but for us it worked. I had purchased a knee length ivory colored lace maternity dress, Betsey Johnson flats with blue bottoms and I made my own bouquet from supermarket flowers. For my  Something old I had attached my late Grandmothers Rosary and ring to my bouquet, for something new I had my dress and shoes, for borrowed my best friend had sent her diamond earrings out with my Brother, & Blue I had painted my toes the best shade of Tiffany Blue. I couldn’t have a big over the top wedding, but I had the perfect touches. It just worked for us, for the three of us. I think getting married and being pregnant actually made it that much more meaningful, I couldn’t feel full on kicks at this point but I could definitley feel flutters of our baby girl.

We had a coconut cake from the grocery store, and as the guys drank champagne I had sparkling apple cider. The entire day just fit us, it poured rain which is supposed to be a good omen for your wedding day, and the minute I saw how handsome Brian looked in his suit I was overwhelmed. I think obviously both of us were freaked a bit, we would have been crazy not to. We got married in a little chapel next to the San Antonio courthouse, right next to the Riverwalk with our brothers taking pictures on their iPhones and a minister who I’m still convinced was drunk. But it was perfect for us, we cried like babies when we said our vows and I think we kissed 20 times crying and laughing we did it.

After we said our vows, and were officially married we went next door and pigged out on pizza, then I had a shoe change into some flip flops and we decided to go for a walk along the Riverwalk to show our visiting Brothers what San Antonio was so proud of.  We also made a pitstop for some umbrellas and had our picture taken in front of the Alamo.  Later we stopped at a Mexican restaurant and the guys had margaritas and shots while I had a root beer. Thrilling I know, it wasn’t ideal being the only sober one on my Wedding day and it wasn’t exactly fun being sober and pregnant around everyone drinking and singing. So I definitely went to bed before 9.  But the plus was I woke up refreshed and hangover free while everyone else slept till noon.

I can definitley say our Second trimester was easy. Stressful definiley, I got married and we drove all the way to Arizona and California for the holidays. Of course it was stressful, but looking back I wouldn’t change a thing. I had my Daughter with us when we got married, she was with us celebrating the holidays with family, and she was there when we shared our first New Years Kiss as a married couple.




The first trimester

She was a surprise, and I say this because Brian and I had only been dating a few months when we found out we were expecting. But from the moment I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test I knew everything was happening as it was meant to be. The idea of an abortion never crossed my mind, not even once. Ever since I was a little girl the one thing I had always dreamt of being was a Mom. I just always knew when the right guy came along and it was meant to be it would be. I think the initial panic set in, and we had moments of “this is happening so fast” or my Husbands favorite “We haven’t even been together a year” . But neither one of us ever mentioned terminating the pregnancy, we were in a good place, we loved each other, we had just met each others families for the first time and we faced this pregnancy as partners.

We told immediate family and close friends of our exciting news right away, but I wasn’t prepared to tell everyone or make some big Facebook announcement until I was out of the first trimester, I didn’t want to jinx anything and I was from the start paranoid of every decision I made.

The first trimester came and went so quickly, the morning sickness hit every night around 7 pm, and the craving for tacos didn’t seem to fade away. At my second visit with my Dr I asked her about the  Harmony test, which according to Google search  is:    “When you are pregnant, your blood contains fragments of your developing baby’s DNA. Harmony Prenatal Test is a new type of test that analyzes DNA in a sample of your blood to predict the risk of Down syndrome (trisomy 21) and other genetic conditions called trisomy 18 and trisomy 13″  the other upside to this test is it can see if there are any Y chromosomes present in your blood, which would mean you are expecting a Boy as Women don’t have Y chromosomes.  My Doctor explained the test to me, and I was instantly sold, the fact that I could possibly know what gender my baby was a whole 5 weeks before the 20 week mark? Done. Sign me up. They did the blood draw, and gave me a little card with an ID number to check online in 7 days for my results. I obviously went home and set up an online account and checked the website before my blood sample had even left the lab I’m sure.  7 days rolled around finally and as I kept hitting refresh waiting for my results nothing popped up, So I gave it the extra days mentioned in the 7-10 business days, and still nothing. So I called my Dr’s office and wasn’t given any real answers, so I called the company that did the testing. They told me my sample was inconclusive, that there wasn’t enough of the baby’s DNA in my blood so early on, but we could retest in a week or so. The company was nice enough to send a home nurse to my house to administer the blood draw and I was given a new card with another 7-10 day waiting period. The 7-10 days came around and again no results were posted online. Once again I called my Dr’s office and I was told the results weren’t in. By this time I had thought up every scenario, I was paranoid beyond belief that the results weren’t showing up because something was wrong. Then I get a call from my Dr’s assistant, she starts assuring me the test was fine, nothing came back abnormal and my baby was healthy. I asked her if there were any Y chromosomes present, or if they could specify the gender and she said it wasn’t noted, she gave me some pleasantries and the call was over. But something just felt odd, so I being the pain in the ass I am, called the company again, I gave them my barcode number and they sounded puzzled when I explained the conversation I just had with my Doctors assistant. They told me they were confused why I would have received a call like that because the test was inconclusive once again. I was beyond livid, I called my Doctors office back immediately, asked to speak to my Doctor who was unavailable, I asked to speak to the office manager at this point. I was so confused as to why I would be told everything was fine, when it was inconclusive.

At this point I was hormonal, pregnant and completely confused as to why no results were showing up still. The obvious first question that crossed my mind and tortured me was ” Is there something wrong with my baby” . As someone who had never been pregnant before, my hormones were really all over the place, and my poor Husband was a total champ dealing with my crazy ass. So he’s sitting there looking at me wandering around the house yelling and sobbing on the phone asking the office manager of my Doctors office to give me some kind of explanation and they really couldn’t. I was so confused, I felt like they were being mean to me, I felt like I was going crazy. Finally my Doctor calls me back and explains that her Assistant had read the results wrong and she apologized and offered to order the test a third time, that wasn’t happening for me, so she told me about another similar test by a different company. At this point I was just over it all, I had one week left to find out the gender of our baby and I was just so devastated by being repeatedly told inconclusive I was afraid of hearing it again.  I have to note when I say devastated, I meant it. Pregnancy hormones can make you feel devastated if you don’t get your favorite tacos or if your husband eats the last of something.  Those hormones are a bitch and my husband will attest to that completely.

We took the competitors test and got the results back in 4 days. In the meantime my crazy ass had already looked up a company that offered 3D ultrasounds, and I was determined to find out if this little baby inside of me was a he or she. My Husband was at work and I hadn’t told him of my new plan, I wanted to surprise him. As they were performing the ultrasound they laughed because this little baby was wiggling about but keeping their legs crossed the whole time, I started rubbing my belly and talking to the baby and then they gave us a clear picture, she was a girl. They printed off pictures and gave me the option of having her heartbeat recorded and placed into a stuffed animal, I picked a lamb and I bought a little pink newborn hat. As soon as I walked out of the office I instantly called my Mom and told her the amazing news. I had hoped for a girl from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I would have been happy either way honestly as long as I had a healthy baby. But in all honesty I wanted a daughter, I had grown up seeing how close my Mother and Grandmother were, and I loved the relationship my Mom and I had and I couldn’t wait to have that with a daughter of my own.  I drove home thinking of ways to tell Brian, when I decided on taking a small gift box and I put the ultrasound pictures inside, with the little pink hat on top. Brian got home and I explained a little of what my day entailed and I handed him the box. He looked at me suspiciously as I started recording him on my phone. As he opened the box and moved the tissue paper away he saw that little pink hat , he looked at me and said “Its a girl?” I laughed and replied yes, and he said “damn’t”.

At this point I was over the moon, I knew Brian was too he was just scared. I think every father that finds out they are expecting a girl is scared honestly. I know my own father was. But I explained to him she would be Daddy’s little girl, and I was sure at some point she would favor him over me. Before we found out we were expecting we had jokingly talked about baby names one night, I mentioned that as a girl, you often think of baby names and call dibs on them amongst your friends, he rolled his eyes, but as soon as I said Harper Grace he loved it. It had always been my “dream” name for a daughter, I thought Harper was a beautiful name, and Grace was my late Grandmothers middle name.  That we could agree on instantly. The boys names were another story.

I had a little onesie with our last name and the due date printed on it, I decided it was the time to make a facebook post. I included the little pink hat and her name in the caption. The minute I posted it the texts and comments started pouring in from both my side and Brians.  Shit just got real.





It’s heartbreaking losing a child at any stage, and I’ve come to look at my loss in a different way. If I can do my little part to raise some kind of awareness and get people to actually talk about it then maybe I can feel like my Daughters life wasn’t a complete loss, that maybe this could offer some slight comfort to someone out there going through a similar loss.

When we face the facts miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant deaths are fucking sad. They are tragic losses and no one really talks about them. Its taboo, there is a stigma attached and so many women hide their losses, so many women feel a sense of shame. When I first had my Daughter I had a few people reach out to me, telling me of their losses and offering me words of comfort. It was shocking because I had known these people either as a friend of a friend or an actual friend and I had never heard they had a miscarriage, or a stillborn child. But they saw my loss, and felt the strength to share their experience and share that there could be light at the end of this tunnel.

There is absolutely, without a doubt no right or wrong way to handle the loss of a child at any stage. So just to set the stage for this blog and whats to come, I will swear, I will use foul language, and I might honestly offend some people. But this is my experience, this is my life, she was my Daughter and this is how I’ve survived so far. When I lost my Daughter I searched endlessly for answers, for guidance, for blogs, for any sort of information or guidance on how the hell do I survive this. And what did I find? A whole lot of dead end answers, I found a lot of religious suggestions, group meeting suggestions and none of that seemed to offer any peace to me. I was literally sitting in my bathroom sobbing, on my phone looking for some kind of answer and the closest I could find were message boards of women that had experienced similar losses, but I couldn’t find anything like mine.

I recently went to see a grief and loss counselor for the first time last week, and she suggested anti depressants, and journaling. I picked the journaling, but as I thought about this I kept feeling the urge to want to help people, I kept feeling the sadness for other Mothers going through this loss and knowing there frankly isn’t shit out there. During my first few months my Best Friend sent me a link to a blog for an amazing lady named Kate, she lives in Ireland and she had gone through a similar loss earlier this year, 2017. She was inspiring, I commented on her blog and emailed her a bit back and forth. She was grieving and going through a similar hell, and I think we could relate to one another because we were both going through a loss, but it felt a little less alone. When you lose a baby its incredibly heartbreaking, and even though I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by family, and have amazing friends during this loss I felt completely and utterly alone. I couldn’t relate to anyone, I felt myself angry when I would see others crying, although I knew they were sad for the loss and for us, I just felt angry. Its okay if you’re experiencing a loss and you are angry, this is something I didn’t let myself believe at first. This is something I couldn’t really find online. The first time I got back on social media after our loss I think I hid every person that popped up with a picture of their baby. Which turned out to be a lot of people. I just couldn’t see it or handle it. I was still just angry, which was okay. I felt so guilty for being so angry but I felt like I had been fucking robbed.

Theres a sound that up until May I had only heard twice in my life, I would describe it as a loud sigh, almost a wailing sound. Its the total release and sound of just absolute defeat and heartache. The first time I heard this sound was after my Grandmother passed away, I heard my Mother crying in the other room and I heard her cry and just let out a sigh. The second time in my life I heard this sound was after my Best Friends Fathers funeral,  her Mother was inconsolable and crying and she let out a similar sigh. The third time I heard this sound was May 17th of this year, When I delivered my stillborn Daughter. Its a sound like your body has just given up, like every breath is out and you are just struggling to breathe through it. Through the absolute and total shock and loss. Growing up I felt like I had experienced loss, and heartache. Nothing, and I absolutely mean NOTHING in my life had prepared me for the loss of my Daughter. From the moment I saw the extra line appear on that pregnancy test I loved my baby. Scared to absolute death of the future I knew one thing, I was going to be a Mom and I was going to do my absolute best at it.

May came so quickly and my Dr told me at anytime the baby could come, she was a healthy weight and size. The previous month I had thought I was going into labor but it was just back spasms so we had prepared our plan. We had the car seat ready, the hospital bag packed with her first outfits, blankets and the baby book for her footprints.  We were ready. Her nursery was completely perfect and set up, crib made, clothes washed and hung up and organized, an entire drawer of bows and headbands I was ready for my baby, my Harper Grace.